How to have a successful church in Miami FL

1) Be an attractive pastor. Nobody wants to watch an ugly pastor preach. Even if you're elderly, wear Ed Hardy or at least something that can travel well. Ed Young is very good at this. He is a very old man but he dresses well.

2) Have a vision. It can be a vision from God, it can be a vision you can prooftext using the Bible, but you need a vision. Some visions can include transforming the city, healing people, telling people about Jesus, finding people's God potential, connecting people to God, others, ministry, and the World. It doesn't need to mean anything, really. You just need a catchy slogan for the common people. People find Word and Sacrament ministry boring, and we don't want to be boring.

3) Have an elaborate worship style. Now, some people will tell you to get a praise band, but that's not true. What you need to do is learn about the musical tastes of the demographic you wish to reach. Some people want rock bands, others want choirs with orchestras. You need talented people to replicate the sounds of the demographic and era you're in. Now, being in Miami FL, nobody wants choirs. That reminds them of dead religion. You want a rock band with no ugly people. Remember, to be ugly is to not be in Christ.

4) Be open to moves of the Spirit. I mean, look, as we know, having a successful Christian church implies disobeying the words of Scripture and the traditions of those who have come before us. All you have to do is tell people that the Holy Spirit told you to do something and people will submit. Nobody wants to sin against the Holy Spirit, after all.

5) Be a-political. Look, the culture war is dead. Now, I know you want to bring healing to the city, but the great part about not having any depth to what your church does is that you don't have to talk about legislation. 

6) Be political. Those Leftists/Nazis are ruining this great country and you need to use your platform as a minister of God's word to get them to vote for Trump/Clinton/Sanders/Johnson. 

7) Use words that are popular in academia. Angst, existential, post modern. These needs to be in your repertoire. I mean, I don't think anybody in philosophy departments take the post modern movement seriously anymore, but your congregation is too ignorant to know that.

8) Don't use big words. Look. Your congregation is dumb. That's why they're called sheep. Keep it simple and don't talk about justification by grace through faith. That'll get you crucified upside down.

9) Say that you're for social justice. Look, it's really cool to be an economist right now. Or at least pretending you care about social causes. Affirming the Belhar Confession can go a long way.

10) Only meet with rich people. Look, poor, mentally ill people have nothing to offer the Church. Look at Paul. He went from city to city and only met with the rich. That's how he got his church plant in Ephesus started. They're still going today!

11) Doctrine is not important when it comes to staffing decisions. Look, whether you call it being Gospel centered or following Jesus, nobody cares if your executive pastor is a semi Pelagian or if you hire a guy who thinks Left Behind is a great exposition of how the world will end. The point is, you're looking for talent, not thinkers.

12)  Pretend to admire Latino culture. Look, you're in Miami FL. You have to be for diversity. I know that Latino culture has its problems (abusive men, sexual promiscuity, boys with mother issues), but you need their money! Besides, if it's for Jesus it's fine.

13) Pray for revival. Look, I know, that the revival two revivals ago was started by a heretic and the revivals afterwards have led to churches with pastors that they've caught a vision from God. But don't let that stop you. Sometimes God repents. It's in Genesis!

14) Celebrate every civil holiday as often as possible. If you're not celebrating Mother's Day at church you're gonna get fired. Especially in Miami.

15) Don't be evangelistic, be missional. In fact if you can find a cooler word than what's available in the Bible, that's the word to use. Communitas, living together, missional, being for the city. Loving your neighbour, nope. Nuh uh, no way. Nein. 

...

I'm so sorry.

-SJG

Glorious Nippon and Bible Tests

I remember when I was in high school, I swore off anime after watching a character arc in Inuyusha end with no resolution.

Now I find myself watching anime and other sorts of Japanese media.

Understand, I have a lot of friends who are into Japanese culture. And I respect their opinions because they're studied Japan academically. I know that whatever they tell me is probably true of Japan. As a result, I've gained a respect for Japanese pop culture over time.

But my problem is that I never want to see what's popular now. I like to see what was popular than so I can again an appreciation of the present. I suppose having a BA in History, I approach all subjects like this. Whether I'm good at it or not is a different story.

So I found myself watching four seasons worth of Japanese Power Rangers (Super Sentai) and one old anime (Super Dimension Fortress Macross), many of them involving love triangles and coming of age stories, and not a few bringing me to tears.

But I can watch them because there are explosions and giant robots involved.

Anyway.

I've also been trying to keep myself sharp since I'm not in seminary right now. I just finished reading NT Wright's The New Testament and the People of God and still working my way through Geerhardus Vos and Meredith Kline. I feel "smarter" for it, not only because it's good for me, but because my ego has a nice boost from having accomplished such a project.

Yes, I know my self esteem should not be derived from reading books, but here we are.

I've also been taking Bible tests online based off the PC(USA)'s Bible content tests. The reason is because I'm hoping ECO will want to ordain me in the future, unless I change or life changes me, of course. They have a similar test for ordination and I always think my Bible knowledge is weak. Saying that, I find myself passing often enough. Try it for yourself and see if you can get ordained!

I still miss Miami though. I was able to talk to a Venezuelan up here while eating breaded chicken with rice and beans, in Spanish. It made me realize how much I take cultural diversity for granted. Or at least, people that are Latin/Hispanic.

Um.

I do recommend people watch older anime. I find that, at least the one's I've seen, they have a better understanding of the human condition than the more modern stuff I've been exposed to. Maybe I just like shows that explore what it's like to become a man... with giant robots.

Also for those that care, feel free to send me a message on Facebook or call me. I will talk back and/or call back.

Tenshinda!,

SJG