How to have a successful church in Miami FL

1) Be an attractive pastor. Nobody wants to watch an ugly pastor preach. Even if you're elderly, wear Ed Hardy or at least something that can travel well. Ed Young is very good at this. He is a very old man but he dresses well.

2) Have a vision. It can be a vision from God, it can be a vision you can prooftext using the Bible, but you need a vision. Some visions can include transforming the city, healing people, telling people about Jesus, finding people's God potential, connecting people to God, others, ministry, and the World. It doesn't need to mean anything, really. You just need a catchy slogan for the common people. People find Word and Sacrament ministry boring, and we don't want to be boring.

3) Have an elaborate worship style. Now, some people will tell you to get a praise band, but that's not true. What you need to do is learn about the musical tastes of the demographic you wish to reach. Some people want rock bands, others want choirs with orchestras. You need talented people to replicate the sounds of the demographic and era you're in. Now, being in Miami FL, nobody wants choirs. That reminds them of dead religion. You want a rock band with no ugly people. Remember, to be ugly is to not be in Christ.

4) Be open to moves of the Spirit. I mean, look, as we know, having a successful Christian church implies disobeying the words of Scripture and the traditions of those who have come before us. All you have to do is tell people that the Holy Spirit told you to do something and people will submit. Nobody wants to sin against the Holy Spirit, after all.

5) Be a-political. Look, the culture war is dead. Now, I know you want to bring healing to the city, but the great part about not having any depth to what your church does is that you don't have to talk about legislation. 

6) Be political. Those Leftists/Nazis are ruining this great country and you need to use your platform as a minister of God's word to get them to vote for Trump/Clinton/Sanders/Johnson. 

7) Use words that are popular in academia. Angst, existential, post modern. These needs to be in your repertoire. I mean, I don't think anybody in philosophy departments take the post modern movement seriously anymore, but your congregation is too ignorant to know that.

8) Don't use big words. Look. Your congregation is dumb. That's why they're called sheep. Keep it simple and don't talk about justification by grace through faith. That'll get you crucified upside down.

9) Say that you're for social justice. Look, it's really cool to be an economist right now. Or at least pretending you care about social causes. Affirming the Belhar Confession can go a long way.

10) Only meet with rich people. Look, poor, mentally ill people have nothing to offer the Church. Look at Paul. He went from city to city and only met with the rich. That's how he got his church plant in Ephesus started. They're still going today!

11) Doctrine is not important when it comes to staffing decisions. Look, whether you call it being Gospel centered or following Jesus, nobody cares if your executive pastor is a semi Pelagian or if you hire a guy who thinks Left Behind is a great exposition of how the world will end. The point is, you're looking for talent, not thinkers.

12)  Pretend to admire Latino culture. Look, you're in Miami FL. You have to be for diversity. I know that Latino culture has its problems (abusive men, sexual promiscuity, boys with mother issues), but you need their money! Besides, if it's for Jesus it's fine.

13) Pray for revival. Look, I know, that the revival two revivals ago was started by a heretic and the revivals afterwards have led to churches with pastors that they've caught a vision from God. But don't let that stop you. Sometimes God repents. It's in Genesis!

14) Celebrate every civil holiday as often as possible. If you're not celebrating Mother's Day at church you're gonna get fired. Especially in Miami.

15) Don't be evangelistic, be missional. In fact if you can find a cooler word than what's available in the Bible, that's the word to use. Communitas, living together, missional, being for the city. Loving your neighbour, nope. Nuh uh, no way. Nein. 

...

I'm so sorry.

-SJG