Me and the Grown Male

I've observed an interesting phenomenon about myself, as you do when you indulge in the vice of naval gazing.

That phenomenon is rather simple. The phenomenon is this. The phenomenon is that when I speak, people listen, especially older men, and that when I speak, I inspire a feeling. This feeling seems to be one of anger, insecurity, or fear.

I honestly don't know what they're so scared of to be honest.

Look at me, I have a mustache. I am easily killed: I don't own a gun and I have terrible motor skills. I take medication for depression and anxiety and I am on the autism spectrum. I think about killing myself twice a month. I am slightly overweight. I have to wear glasses to see lest I don't see. I am poor.

And yet.

And yet.

I have gift/curse. When I speak, people listen. Never mind the fact that it never occurs to me that people take me seriously because of the above, no. I am not a successful male accord to new or old world standards. I have not fornicated with a variety of women, I don't have a brood serving me hand and foot, I don't make a six figure income, and I am too hairy to be understanding of today's virtue signaling.

And yet here I am.

I suppose I should write of some examples.

Here's one. When I spoke to a (Presbyterian!) minister of catechesis to encourage "spiritual" growth, I am mocked for using a big word, a big word that is part of our tradition. Heck, it's part of every major Christian tradition.

Or, when I am asked if I think everybody should agree with me, I answer "Of course". I'd like to think I am honest. Everybody wants them to agree with them. If a person agrees with you, they love and accept you right? Well, no, but this is the life we life.

But more than that, if I think I'm right, wouldn't I want another person to be right too?

Now to be fair, I ended up walking away enraged because I was running on vomit instead of sleep, but still. It would be nice if these older men I talk to had more self awareness.

Not that I have much either, to be honest.

More recently I voiced my disagreement during a meeting. The older man asked me afterwards that I should have not spoken up because my disagreement was too nuanced and that the people there might take me seriously.

God forbid.

I spoke about this to my wife.

I have a deep voice and I speak confidently. She tells me that when I speak, it doesn't sound like an opinion, it sounds like a fact. I told her that when everybody speaks, they think it's a fact even though it's an opinion. She agreed with me, but she also advised me that people don't understand that when I speak, I (hopefully for the most part) invite conflict and refutation, according to the rules of the game, whatever those rules may be.

But other people don't want conflict. They want to be affirmed and told they are right.

So it confuses me when a grown man seeks this from somebody as weak as me. I am a nothing, in the larger scheme of things. I would hope God continually reminds me of this. Even writing this makes me feel I'm humble bragging.

And these grown men? They are always successful. They have kids, they have money, they usually have a loving wife, and they have a job. Why are they threatened by me? What power do I hold?

Of course I'm not innocent in all this. I agree that tone is such that it sounds disrespectful.

Maybe I need to start treating grown men like human beings and like people who are hurting, like I do everybody else.

Maybe grown men need Jesus too.

If that's the case, it is a comedy that grown men, men who I see as pillars of society, are just as weak as I am.

Or maybe I think too highly of myself and I'm just a disrespectful jerk that needs a good smacking.

Who knows.

Pressing the wrong buttons,

-SJG

P.S.

I hope to write something more positive in the future. Even I get tired of tearing down.